I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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