One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
