I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
