I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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