i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
