I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
