The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My hand turned me down
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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