You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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