Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
