Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
