Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
