It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
