i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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