Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize