My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
