i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
