I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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