he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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