in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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