We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
