K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
