ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
