He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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