I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
