..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Randomize
