The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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