she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize