i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
