just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
