Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
