I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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