I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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