Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
as a side note pls kill me
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
