OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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