he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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