I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm gonna fight the coyote
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
