I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
