I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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