My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
