at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
no you cant smoke seaweed
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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