i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
whose parrot is this?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
