You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
