my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
