I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
