I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
