he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
