So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Hippo gnu deer
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
