filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
