I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
