More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
