I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
