you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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