so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Text me some of your sweat
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
