i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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