a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
