I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
