1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
