I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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